var thoughts = new Array()
thoughts[0] = "I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[1] = "I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[2] = "Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[3] = "If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[4] = "As a young boy, when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to school, you wonder if you should go home and change, but be late for school, or go to school the way you are; dirty and soaking wet.  Well, while he tried to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[5] = "If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[6] = "Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[7] = "I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[8] = "If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[9] = "One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[10] = "If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[11] = "There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[12] = "Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[13] = "For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[14] = "If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. &quot;Wait a minute! I thought we won!&quot;<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[15] = "Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[16] = "I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[17] = "I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[18] = "Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays?  Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[19] = "I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[20] = "Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[21] = "I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[22] = "If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say &quot;Poppy-oomy.&quot;  I bet it means something.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[23] = "Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said &quot;Lassie, go skate for help,&quot she could do it.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[24] = "If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say &quot;How do you figure that!&quot real loud.  Then lean back and sort of smirk.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[25] = "I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[26] = "I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[27] = "He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[28] = "If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[29] = "Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think:  Oh boy! I'm going insane again.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[30] = "It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[31] = "The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit.  Man, I hate land like that.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[32] = "I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[33] = "Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before.  But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter.  Wait.  It's not love I'm describing.  I'm thinking of a monorail.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[34] = "Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[35] = "I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[36] = "The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[37] = "I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this.  When I was a teenager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire.  When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, &quot;Hey, progress.&quot;  Boy, did I have a lot to learn.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[38] = "It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[39] = "When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, &quot;What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?&quot;  When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed.  I don't think people should make you feel that way.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[40] = "Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, &quot;You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group.&quot;  &quot;Yeah,&quot; I said, trying not to laugh.  Girls are funny.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[41] = "I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[42] = "Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics.  Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, &quot;Okay, is everybody ready to start now?&quot;.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[43] = "If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this: Wait until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out of the fireplace onto the carpet.  Then jump on top of it with your body and yell, &quot;Log o' fire! Log o' fire!&quot;  I've never done this, but I think it'd work.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[44] = "Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder.  But not any man is capable of being a good camper.  So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[45] = "Laugh, clown, laugh.  This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[46] = "In some places it's known as a tornado.  In others, a cyclone. And in still others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round.  But around here they'll always be known as screw-boys.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[47] = "Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say it bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says that is a liar.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[48] = "I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[49] = "I hate it when people say somebody has a &quot;speech impediment&quot;, even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings.  So instead, I call it a &quot;speech improvement&quot;, and I go up to the guy and say, &quot;Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement.&quot;  I think this makes him feel better.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[50] = "Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the program!<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[51] = "I think there should be something in science called the &quot;reindeer effect.&quot;  I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, &quot;Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[52] = "If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[53] = "If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[54] = "Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[55] = "If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien!<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[56] = "I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like &quot;Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar.&quot;<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[57] = "If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[58] = "To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around.  That way, if anybody says, &quot;Hey, can you give me a hand?&quot; You can say, &quot;Sorry, got these sacks.&quot;<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[59] = "If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, &quot;Can't you make it shoot farther?&quot;  &quot;No, I'm sorry.  That's as far as it shoots.&quot;<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[60] = "I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, &quot;If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky.&quot;  Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[61] = "I think a good product would be &quot;Baby Duck Hat&quot;.  It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head.  Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them.  Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla.  Man, those ducks really take off!  Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[62] = "Instead of having &quot;answers&quot; on a math test, they should just call them &quot;impressions,&quot; and if you got a different &quot;impression,&quot; so what, can't we all be brothers?<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[63] = "I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[64] = "If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[65] = "It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.  And I guess that's what I like about it.  It's easy.  Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[66] = "As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life.  Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling?  Sometimes it seemed that way.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[67] = "I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.  And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[68] = "I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[69] = "Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[70] = "If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store.  On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[71] = "I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his.  Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, &quot;Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!&quot;  We all thought he was crazy.  But then we had some growing up to do.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[72] = "Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window?  The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out.  Wait.  I guess that's like a regular window.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[73] = "During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were &quot;just going down to the corner.&quot;<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[74] = "If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[75] = "When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police.  But then I got curious about it.  I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[76] = "I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long.  Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had.  It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it.  And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[77] = "Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage.  Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too.  Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[78] = "Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, &quot;Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that.&quot<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[79] = "Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname &quot;Fly Head.&quot;  Normally you would think that &quot;fly Head&quot; would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air.  But think again. Couldn't it also mean &quot;having a head like a fly&quot;?  I'm afraid some people might actually think that.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[80] = "I hope that after I die, people will say of me: &quot;That guy sure owed me a lot of money.&quot;<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[81] = "If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins.  Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[82] = "The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink.  But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. &quot;Uh-oh,&quot; he thought.  &quot;This watering hole is reserved for skeletons.&quot;<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[83] = "If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[84] = "When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[85] = "It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[86] = "The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[87] = "One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. &quot;Oh, no,&quot; I said. &quot;Disneyland burned down.&quot; He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[88] = "A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. &quot;Hear that?&quot; you say. &quot;That's dynamite, baby.&quot;<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[89] = "Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for &quot;better treatment&quot;? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[90] = "I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[91] = "Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[92] = "I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[93] = "I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[94] = "Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[95] = "Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: &quot;Mankind&quot;. Basically, it's made up of two separate words - &quot;mank&quot; and &quot;ind&quot;. What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[96] = "I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[97] = "I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, &quot;I helped skin Bob.&quot;<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[98] = "I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, &quot;What was THAT?!&quot;<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";
thoughts[99] = "I'd rather be rich than stupid.<div align='right'><EM>- Jack Handey</EM></div>";



function DeepThoughts() {
	document.write(thoughts[Math.round(Math.random()*99)])
	}